@AdoptionToLife, Janelle Molony Nov. 2018
Logical consequences suck. They are hard to come up with and they don’t always accomplish the change we seek. At least, this has been my experience lately raising a child on the autism spectrum.
How I’d Like To Provide Discipline:
My personal parenting goal in delivering a consequence is two-fold:
- Separate the child from the action.
- Instill a sense of bigger-picture thinking.
This means that the child is still intrinsically good and that there is more to this transaction than what is in front of us. Logical consequences seem to do the opposite!
See why critics are calling Molony’s adoption memoir “gripping” and reviews say this is the “real real!”
Now available in paperback, hardcover, e-book, and audiobook!
Here Is What Happens When I Use Logic-Based Consequences:
Problem #1: My son pulled my hair out because he couldn’t get what he wanted.
Logical Response: Let’s think… So, the immediate problem is hair pulling. What’s a logical response? Well, he can’t put my hair back into my scalp. But, he *can* have his hair removed to mirror the feeling of hair loss. So, we shaved his head.
He loves it. He says he looks like John Cena.
Fail.
Problem #2: He sets a fire in the home. It’s not the first time this has happened… and he has no remorse.
Logical Response: Well, he didn’t get burned in the process, so there is no natural consequence. He didn’t cause major property damage, but did burn mom’s “things.” (Yes, I know that sounds psycho.) So, we gathered up all the toys from his room and confiscated them. “This is an example of how all the things you have and love can disappear in a house fire.”
He was sad for a day. Then, he learned how to play with tissue boxes and rocks. He’s also reading books. (I’d call that a happy side effect, but I have zero confidence this will stop the fire starting.)
Fail.
Problem #3: He doesn’t want to do his homework.
Logical Response: Well, this is non-negotiable. He can continue to put it off, I suppose, but he can’t do anything else until it’s done. Seems extremely logical.
6 hours later… He has slowly, but surely completed his task. (No, I am not exaggerating on the time.) He has missed a meal, is overtired, and has missed an afternoon appointment.
Fail, fail, fail!
How’d We Do?
My son has no clue why he was “starved,” he loves his new haircut, and he seems to have no memory of his missing toys. That is all we’ve accomplished: A bunch of nothing. I’d say this was a rather ineffective approach to parenting a child with autism.
The lessons that produce the greatest results for my child are those based on social thinking principles whereas human connections supersede logic.
My “Illogical” Social Thinking Consequence:
I’ve been told that I shouldn’t ever take away any “good” or healthy things from my son as a consequence. Why? Because that’s not “fair.” Of course not. But remember, the negative behavior is also unfair. That’s how we got here.
As an example – If my child becomes aggressive with me, I’ve been told I shouldn’t withhold his dance class that day because it’s a healthy exercise.
Huh? You mean, he can be aggressive AND I still pay for and drive him to a dance lesson? Excuse me, but no. The sidewalk on our street costs $0 to run on. There! Exercise.
- Social Thinking Lesson: Aggression is unacceptable. It scares people and can result in you being kicked out of places. (Mom just did it before “they” did.)
- Also A Social Thinking Lesson: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. (I saved $60 bucks that day.)
. . . And now dance days are some of the best days of the week!
References:
- Moran J.M. et al. Proc. Natl. Acad. Sci. U.S.A. Epub ahead of print (2011) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/21282628/
- Rudacille, Deborah. Spectrum News. “ ‘Mind blindness’ affects moral reasoning in autism.” (2011) https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/mind-blindness-affects-moral-reasoning-in-autism/
To stay up to date on new stories being published, be sure to subscribe to @AdoptionToLife on your preferred social media.
The author writes from an unabashed, had-it-up-to-here, daily defeated and re-strengthened by grace and hope… kind of place. An adoptive mother of a curious kiddo, full of spirit and sass, tells her tales of homeschooling, fostering, and raising children with special needs. Thanks for joining us on this adventure from adoption to life!