@AdoptionToLife, Janelle Molony, Feb. 2018
My kiddo has very strong reactions to stress. He pulls his skin, shoves his fists into his eyes, pulls eyelids, hits, bites nails, and more. We have been addressing this with both positive/ negative reinforcements, and many, many conversations about health, beauty, and self-worth. But for this particular season, I have been demonstrating how he can be the “boss” of his body. Since he loves to be in control, I’m showing him how he CAN be in control.
What Does This Mean?
This is what I did for a child that was 7, but mentally and emotionally 3 or 4. Talking about “self-control” was a bit too complex at this point, so…
Without instructions, and in a calm situation, I “play with” his hands like toys or some other 3rd party. It’s sort of like how the therapist shows us how to use toys to explain stuff instead of taking directly to the kid. I tell the hand it had a job to do and showed “it” how to hold a pencil. Then, I praised his hand. Good hand! Next, this is how to point at words in book, so we can read. Good fingers! My son watches intensely, like I’m half-crazy, half-magician. He complies with all my instructions and his hands are recognized for being gentle and obedient.
When the training wheels were ready to come off, I told his hands that they have more than one boss. I introduced them to my son. “This is your boss, too! He can tell you when to write or point and how to be quiet.” Insert: Child ego-inflation X a million.
The goal is to say (without saying) that my son’s actions are his to control. When he hits, hurts, or what-not… he can actually stop the action. He has all the power. “Sweetie, you don’t even have to say it out loud – just think your words to the hands.”
And… if he can’t or won’t, Mommy also has some power, too. Mommy can help.
How Does This Work?
Once upon a time, my son got upset at not being able to sightread a new word. He started to pull on the skin of his face (Sometimes… he’d succeed in ripping some skin off too. Ew.). At this point, I could either tell my child: “No. Stop that,” but I didn’t. I grabbed both hands off his face and made ZERO eye contact. I held the hands out and talked to them about how sweet my boy is and how I’m very hurt that they are not protecting and helping him and really lifted his value up to these “strangers” who weren’t being nice.
As I did this, my baby busted out in sobs. Rather than scolding him, I stood up for him. Then, I told the hands that I was giving control back over to my son and they needed to listen when he told them to stop being hurtful. Only then did I look up at my son and ask if he was OK. He was.
It was as if a black cloud over his head had completely dissolved. No storm came that day.
What Happened?
I’m not entirely sure what science this relates to, but I am amazed at the impact. De-personalizing his naughty hands from him and “gifting” him with power to choose and control his actions… worked. Maybe it is the power of positive thinking. Maybe it’s simply re-direction. Whatever it was, it was eye-opening. And maybe, it’s worth a try for others in a similar situation?
“Let me know if you ever need help with those hands being naughty again, OK? I’ll talk to them.”
“Okay , mom.” (Score: Mom 1, Child 1, Hands 0)
Struggling with violence or other strong behaviors? Check out some of these other posts reflecting on similar issues:
Strange Things My Child Begs For: Scavenger Behaviors In Foster Youth.
Sensory Sensitivity At Thanksgiving: Tips For Managing The Meltdown
Do You Love Him? Or Hate Him? Secondary Trauma in Parents
The author writes from an unabashed, had-it-up-to-here, daily defeated and re-strengthened by grace and hope… kind of place. An adoptive mother of a curious kiddo, full of spirit and sass, tells her tales of homeschooling, fostering, and raising children with special needs. Thanks for joining us on this adventure from adoption to life!