@AdoptionToLife, Janelle Molony, December 2019
“I’m still processing…” My son said while staring at his oatmeal blankly. I didn’t put enough brown sugar in it, apparently.
“Processing what?”
“Grandpa’s death.”
It’s a big topic of conversation right now, but it’s also a conversation that’s over a year old (long story short – tragedy struck from a different angle). Also, “Processing” is a big word for my eleven-year-old to use. He’s learned how to TALK the TALK when it comes to therapy sessions and playing along with their exercises. But he’s also learning how to use these words to exasperate his mother by saying them as a way to get out of eating his non-preferred meal items.
“We can talk more about this after breakfast. I’ll set up a game of Jenga. Come join me when you’re done eating.” #EatYourFood
We Began Playing Jenga…
We began playing Jenga (the wooden block stacking/pulling game) as a way to focus and compartmentalize our conversations when things started going south last year. The premise is this: Dealing with tough subjects in bite-sized pieces.
Death is still TOO BIG of a subject for my little one to understand. He has observed gradual health failures, increased pain and discomfort, and sudden loss… followed by various styles of grieving (including benefactor greed and family disruptions). It’s TOO MUCH for us adults, even. Talking about this in any sort of productive way without erratic emotional responses is tough all around.
Here’s What’s True For Tough Talks:
- ANYONE can talk about ANYTHING for one tiny moment.
- ANYONE can listen for another tiny moment.
Imagine with me… Instead of someone expecting you to compose a full discourse and analysis of the situation, they ask you to express one single, simple thought, with little to no explanation needed. #BabySteps
Hence… Talk Jenga
So, the game is designed to play on increasing and decreasing stress levels associated with the precarious placement of stacked blocks, and offer tremendous relief and diversion from the situation when the blocks finally fall. When the game ends, the conversation also ends. Phew! …But why?
It’s extremely important that the conversation ends – even if your child ‘notsoaccidently’ crashes the tower in order to accomplish this. This is an external/physical representation of self-awareness regarding our tolerance levels. Knowing when (and how) to STOP or pause or break from a stressful environment is a good thing.
Of course, you can always bring up the subject later (maybe in round two), but give everyone time and space first.
Rules:
- Designate the topic of conversation to be maintained throughout the entire game. This topic must be adhered to because if you go off-topic, the game loses its therapeutic purpose.
- When it’s your turn – Pull your block piece out and hold onto it. Stress time! Say one single thing regarding the topic. It could be a question, thought, feeling, hope, or any other thing that pops into your mind. It could be long or short, easy or painful.
- When your thought is out – place your block piece down in your desired location. Phew! Relax. You have now figuratively and literally “unburdened” yourself a little.
- When it is not your turn – Just listen. Don’t listen to have a response, even, because it’s not a game of back-and-forth, but of equal opportunity sharing. Just allow the turn-taker to “Say Their Piece.” The listener’s goal here may be to wrestle with internal responses and reactionary impulses; managing them so that we can get to a place of hearing and receiving others’ perspectives.
- Repeat until the tower collapses.
Congratulations! You have just (essentially) mediated an emotionally charged situation! Now, Take a breath… and do not linger. The conversation is really over.
Variations:
Depending on the situation, and need for more or less focus, there are some variations to assist with conversations and the objective.
Q&A
In a two-player game, Player A always asks questions, Player B always answers. Maybe switch roles for round two?
We did this play mode with “birds and the bees.”
Hopes & Wishes
Each statement must be a hope or a wish. This can deal with building anticipation, managing expectations, dealing with guilt, sharing loving thoughts or encouragements… (again, it depends on the topic of the conversation).
Compliments
Each statement is something kind spoken to another player.
“Felt” Statements
Each statement is an “I feel ___ when…” or “I felt ___ when…” to help players take ownership over their own thoughts and feelings (ie. self-awareness and perspective-taking).
Gratitude Attitude
Each statement is something the player is thankful for.
Memory Lane
Each statement is a mini memory for players to reminisce on. Eg. “I loved it when…” or “I remember that time when…”
We’ve done this one for a recent movie we saw, but it should be on our list of gameplay modes for the loss of a loved one, as well.
I hope these tips are useful for you. Feel free to adapt the game as needed. Ideally, these tough conversations will get easier over time, and the gameplay along with it!
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The author writes from an unabashed, had-it-up-to-here, daily defeated and re-strengthened by grace and hope… kind of place. An adoptive mother of a curious kiddo, full of spirit and sass, tells her tales of homeschooling, fostering, and raising children with special needs. Thanks for joining us on this adventure from adoption to life!