@AdoptionToLife, Janelle Molony Nov. 2018
My foster son (turned adoptive) begs for things. A lot.
To be clear… he actually “needs” nothing and is provided many luxuries in our home. However, he is still overcoming the idea that they are impermanent. So we had a talk recently. As it turns out – he’s very comfortable begging for things… because he’s had a lot of practice. “What kinds of things did you beg for?” My son pauses, then goes through a list: “food, clothes, shoes, money, toys…” Uh-huh. “And who did you ask for these things?” That was easy: “Everyone.” Friends, neighbors, teachers, family… and through my observations, “strangers” should be added to that list.
“Why?”
“Because my mom couldn’t buy them.” I questioned this since I doubt they were impoverished considering her expensive, um… habits.
“Well, she had money, but not for me.” Gotcha – judgments made.
My son (adopted now) recently asked me for something. New shoes. Normal? Yes… except that I JUST BOUGHT HIM SOME 20 days ago. Greedy much? No. His sense of unending need goes deep. It’s not about the shoes. It’s about past, present, and future shoes. It’s about a long-term lack of security and fear that at any moment he won’t have what he needs.
Old Habits Die Hard.
This habit of begging and scavenging doesn’t break easily. Until he feels emotionally secure in who he is and how his new family provides… we’ll likely continue to see behaviors such as these below.
Strange Things My Foster Son Has Begged For:
- Popcorn… from strangers at the park. Mind you, I packed trail mix with popcorn and juice boxes. But, look, those damn ducks are eating perfectly good food and my son just needed a little for himself…
- Scraps off friend’s plates. After a meal, my son has reached over to other’s plates and asked “Can I have that?” in order to clean off any and every morsel that was left. This is awkward for everybody involved.
- “Candy” from a homeless person. Cough drops, to be exact. We were at the recycling center and he saw that a nearby homeless person was opening up a snack. With absolutely no stranger danger, he left my side to go ask for “1.” He came back with an entire roll of Halls. That cost me one very uncomfortable “thank you.” I felt like saying to the man, “…Did you need these back?”
- Trash and/or broken pieces of things from the ground. “Throw that away,” I command. His voice rises in pitch… “No, noo… I can USE this! Its OK if it’s broken. I’ll clean it! I can use it for a craft! It’s really pretty!!” Sometimes it’s a piece of plastic. A rock. A rubber band. A band-aid (barf). Newspaper page. “I can cut out the pictures to make art!” Yes, son… from the 1,000 pieces of junk mail and magazines we already have at home. This is NOT a “real” need. Except that it is – for him. WTF did he ever play with in his other foster homes/biological family homes? He’s trying to turn trash into toys!
- Clothes that don’t fit. We recently went through his closet. Y’know, like normal families do. We pulled out the clothes that were already or are getting too small… or have rips, and stains, etc. He clung to them. Yes… imagine hanging onto the fabrics and shoelaces like he’s on a rope overhanging a cliff. “I can still wear it! It’s OK if it’s short. No one will see the rip! Pleeeassseeee….!!” *Insert crying appropriate for the idea that someone has died.*
I’ve Heard Horror Stories
Maybe you have, too? Kids are removed from their homes with ONLY a backpack (or trash bag) with their most treasured/basic items. They lost a LOT in this process. However, it seems my child “started” without much. Whatever he had to lose in the process of removal, logically, increased in emotional value. Broken, ripped, stained, ill-fitting… That WAS his “everything.”
One thing we brought with him was a ratty soccer ball. Falling apart. Couldn’t inflate anymore… But it was “his.” And that made it precious. I think it took us a solid YEAR to get it into the trash can and out of the house. This year, he’ll get a brand new, shiny ball for his birthday. I’m so excited for him to open it.
Reflection: I know my God is a redeeming God. He is GOOD to His people and provides all that we need. The old will be made new. My son’s soul will be restored. And we will make this right: one toy, meal, t-shirt, or craft supply at a time.
The author writes from an unabashed, had-it-up-to-here, daily defeated and re-strengthened by grace and hope… kind of place. An adoptive mother of a curious kiddo, full of spirit and sass, tells her tales of homeschooling, fostering, and raising children with special needs. Thanks for joining us on this adventure from adoption to life!
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