@AdoptionToLife, Janelle Molony, July 2019
My son’s therapist (at this time) actually scolded me.
After months of acclimating to our foster son and trying to help with his emotional preparations for the upcoming adoption, we were at a point of acceptance. Who he was and who he wanted to be, were at odds, however
See how we allowed our son to explore his identity and how we got to this point in the story. (Part One of Two)
“Steven is trying to recreate himself.”
The therapist explained his perception. The day’s session was over and my son Steven was absent-mindedly playing with lobby toys.
“Yeah, we know,” I answered. I didn’t like his tone. Be aware: therapists are supposed to help, not judge. But they have a bias, emotional baggage, and triggers just like any other person.
“This could be a sign of hyper-vigilance. He’s trying to please his new parents out of necessity. It’s a survival strategy,” the therapist continued.
“You’re the adult in this situation. You have the ability to stop this.”
“But we don’t ask him to do those things,” I replied. “We haven’t initiated the changes or interfered with his choices.” This man’s conclusion needed some unpacking, in my opinion.
If a child is free to be whomever they dream to be and is provided a fertile environment to grow and explore, “survival,” as he mentioned, absolutely will happen. But not in the way he implied. Not only was Steven healing in our home physically, but my son was thriving emotionally and developmentally by the parenting choices we made.
There was logic to the therapist’s conclusion. Hyper-vigilance is a real concern which could impact our son’s attachment to the family. But by continuing to allow Steven’s exploration of identity, he believed we were dishonoring the identity he was born with. Disregarding it, even. We were not considering his future well-being.
Out of curiosity, I asked Steven, “Which parents should decide what a kid dresses or looks like?” I expected “biological” or “foster” in reply. He outsmarted me.
“I don’t think that’s a fair question. Kids should be able to do what they like with their body.” I wondered if he meant kids should have freedom to explore and find what makes them happy.
“Yeah. Like, if you want to wear girls’ clothes, or have red hair, you can.” It was a very simple concept for him. Being happy and comfortable in his skin is a basic right that children should have. We reassured Steven that he could dress however and be whomever in our home.
One week after our initial chat, my son came back for another tête-à-tête.
“Mom, I’m pretty sure I am gay,” he announced with eyes downcast. It sounded like a cautious revealing of a terminal illness. This raised my suspicions.
“Alright. Well, what makes you think that?” I asked.
“I look gay, so I guess, I am.”
That gave me a #FacePalm moment.
“And who says you look gay?”
Running his hands through his hair once more, he said, “Everyone.”
Enough is enough. Hairstyles and dyes do not determine one’s sexual orientation or gender identity. But would hair really singe my child’s reputation in 2019? It did, and still does. As does his love for dance.
Recent dance company auditions highlighted the fact that my son was the only one of two males in the studio’s clientele. The “Is he gay?” energy swirled around us like autumn leaves in an updraft. The fact that grown women (mothers) and the female dancers were considering who my underage child would have sex with in the future did not sit well with me. Although one’s orientation is a legally protected status now, I’m learning that certain people are still going to get their digs in.
After a few years as a top-earner in his Boy Scout troop, earning several highly-esteemed math, science, and engineering awards, we started running into roadblocks with the leadership. Our son’s dance classes and recitals/competitions would not be counted towards his sportsmanship requirements. Why?
“Because it’s not a sport,” I was told. Seriously?
We weren’t trying to push any agendas on the institution, but this attitude was already two decades outdated. We just wanted our son to be recognized for the hard work he put into his craft.
…And the therapist thought we would be the people to dishonor our son’s identity.
His mark was a bit off. If anything, my husband and I reinforced my son’s identity from day one. Gay or straight is nobody’s business, but my son is loved, accepted, enjoyed, protected, destined, safe and wanted. That is who he is. But our world is still what it is.
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Janelle Molony is an adoptive mom, homeschool mom, dance mom, special needs advocate, and author/blogger at AdoptionToLife.com. She has written a memoir of her experiences fostering her now-son and overcoming legal and social battles like “Mother.”